Potentially Problematic
by Jennifer Hack
Summary: A humor fic that takes place after the events of Xenosaga Episode II. When Dark Professor creates the Uber Dark Erde kaiser it's up to our heroes namely KOSMOS & co. to save the universe!... again.
1. prologue

**Potentially Problematic**

_Sophie Dawly_**  
**

**

* * *

Disclaimer**: I don't own anything.

**Notes/Summary**: This takes place after Episode II… but it's mostly AU so I don't really think that's important… Anyway, I'm just saying this because there may be spoilers and I don't want anyone to get mad at me

* * *

(**1 – Prologue**) 

(1)

Everything onboard the Elsa was quiet but for the sound of the engines humming. Allen and Shion were up late in the lab working on a data update for KOS-MOS, the android enigma. Allen took a deep breath, finally working up enough nerve to ask the chief engineer of the KOS-MOS project, Shion Uzuki, a very important question.

"Shion… do you think maybe we could have a date sometime? I mean… I know you're busy with the KOS-MOS project and everything, but I thought… maybe… whenever it's convenient for you." Allen could have shot himself in the face for sounding so stupid.

"Oh… Allen…" Shion's face fell. "Please don't take this the wrong way or anything… I mean, you're a very nice man, but… well… I can't."

"Wha…?" Allen couldn't hide his dejection. "But… Is it my teeth? My mom says my teeth are too yellow…"

"No… I'm sorry, Allen. But it's not your teeth…"

"Then what is it! What's wrong with me?"

"Nothing – there's nothing wrong with you." Shion tried to explain. "Really… it's me. Honestly."

"W-what are you talking about?" Allen was wiping at his face furiously in an attempt to disguise the fact that he had been crying.

Shion quickly looked around, taking note of their surroundings. "Listen…" She whispered, leaning closer. "I'll tell you why, but you have to promise not to say anything to anyone."

All of the blood rushed to Allen's face, his heart was pounding, knowing that Shion was so close to him.

"Allen…" Shion whispered. "I'm a lesbian."

Suddenly, everything was clear. All of KOS-MOS's scanty outfits were viewed with perfect clarity. Coming upon this realization, Allen Ridgely, 28, of Vector Industries R&D first division, promptly fainted.

Shion Uzuki looked around with a guilty look on her face before deciding that it would be best to leave the room quietly.

(2)

"I THINK THERE'S SOMETHING WRONG WITH ALLEN." Panache, one of the maintenance droids onboard the Elsa confided to KOS-MOS the following morning.

"Please explain to me how you arrived at this conclusion." The blue-haired android inquired flatly.

"WELL… HE LIKES TO EAT MISS UZUKI'S CURRY FOR BREAKFAST EVERY MORNING. I SERVED HIM CURRY AS USUAL..." The droid swung his arms around in the air for full effect. "BUT ALL HE DID WAS STARE AT IT. I ASKED HIM IF HE WAS HUNGRY, BUT THEN HE JUST STARTED BAWLING LIKE A SMALL CHILD."

"That is most perplexing." KOS-MOS agreed without and particular interest.

"What is?" Ziggurat 8, or 'Ziggy' as he was called, seemed to appear out of nowhere. "Sorry, but I couldn't help but overhear."

Panache quickly relayed the story of Allen's particularly odd behavior that morning, only Ziggy didn't seem surprised at all.

"He's always depressed about something." Ziggy shrugged. "I found him crying in the closet earlier. It's just his nature."

"Perhaps Allen's depression stems from his desire to have a lifelong companion." KOS-MOS suggested.

"So what are you suggesting?" Ziggy gave KOS-MOS a sidelong glance.

"I am suggesting that we find a suitable companion for Allen Ridgeley. This will remedy his depression and therefore he will become more useful rather than merely depleting our oxygen reserves."

"THAT MIGHT WORK." Panache shrugged. "HE CAN BE REALLY SENSITIVE. SOME GIRLS LIKE THAT."

"Are you guys talking about me?" Jr. strode up to them and forced himself into the conversation.

"Negative." KOS-MOS answered flatly.

"Oh." Jr. shrugged.

"Why not just set him up with Shion?" Ziggy suggested.

"Who? Set _who_ up?" Jr. didn't know what was going on, and he didn't like it.

"NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!" A loud, mournful wail broke up their conversation. "This is terrible! TERRIBLE! Oh God… what did I do!" It was coming from the robot academy in the basement.

Ziggy broke away from the group, and headed towards the staircase. Panache, KOS-MOS and Jr. exchanged glances and then decided to follow him.

"Is there a problem?" Ziggy asked Assistant Scott, as the Professor was currently curled up in a fetal position on the floor, crying hysterically.

"Umm… well…" Assistant Scott looked up at the cyborg, "I think he'll be okay. The Professor is just a little upset because someone stole the Erde Kaiser arms and now the Ultimate Robot is no longer operational… It's actually got me a little upset too…" Assistant Scott sniffled and then wiped away the tears that were beginning to form in his eyes.

"Please!" The Professor looked up. "You've got to find out who did this! You've got to fix my robot!"

"Rest assured." Jr. said, striking a heroic pose. "We'll catch the bastards who did this!"


	2. do androids dream in electric sleep

**Potentially Problematic **

* * *

Disclaimer: Don't own anything. 

A/N:Just thought I'd warn everyone that there is some OOC this chapter.

* * *

**(2 – Do androids dream in electric sleep?)**

(1)

"Rest assured." Jr. said, striking a heroic pose. "We'll catch the bastards who did this!"

"In which case it would be best to investigate the scene of the crime and gather evidence." Ziggy said, sounding very business-like. "I was a cop once, after all."

"Right." Jr. nodded in agreement. "Okay, Ziggy. You can head the investigation. I'll see if I can get Momo to direct link with the UMN and gather any other information."

"I will assist Ziggurat 8." KOS-MOS announced.

"I will go make Capitan Matthews a tequila." Panache left abruptly.

(2)

"Find anything?" Jr. asked the 100-series observational realian prototype Momo currently working at the UMN terminal.

"Not really. Nothing on giant robot parts, anyway." Momo turned away from the screen looking tired. "How're Ziggy and KOS-MOS doing?"

"Not so good. It seems the thief didn't leave any evidence behind." Jr. folded his arms across his chest and frowned.

"Why don't you get Shion to help them?"

"Hey…" Jr.'s eyes widened at the idea. "I could get Shion and Allen to work together. Like alone."

"That's a good idea Jr.!" Momo smiled. "You're so smart."

"I know." Jr. said with a huge, proud grin stretched from ear to ear.

"Jr." Ziggy said from behind him. "Sorry to interrupt…"

"What's up?" Jr. turned around, the smile faded, and his face took on a more serious expression.

"KOS-MOS and I are having a hard time, and it would help if we had the proper equipment. Is there some way you could talk to Tony or Matthews about stopping at a dock colony to get the supplies we need to finish with the investigation?"

"Sure thing." Jr. nodded.

"I haven't seen Tony all day." Momo commented, returning her attention to the UMN panel.

"I'll find him. He's got to be around here somewhere." Jr. said, thinking.

(3)

"What is _wrong _with you?" Tony sat down next to Allen in the Elsa bar. The only reason he was talking to Allen was because he couldn't find Hammer, his usual victim, or chaos.

"All my hopes… my dreams… all gone…" Allen said between the tears.

"Just calm down, man – here, have some water. There you go, deep breaths. Calm down. Now – tell me what happened."

Allen looked at Tony for a moment, before taking a deep breath and telling him of the conversation he had with Shion Uzuki the night before.

(4)

"Man… I can't believe it…" Tony slammed his fist down on the table, scattering a few empty shot glasses.

"I mean… its Shion. I've worked with her years…" Allen's words were a little slurred, but that didn't seem to hinder the conversation. "I mean, I never knew."

"Damn. And she was hot too. I mean… she was HOTT." Tony added.

"…yeah…" Allen sighed. "I never knew she was… well, you know."

"Gay?"

"Yeah…" Allen seemed reluctant to repeat the word. "But you know… it got me thinking… How do you know someone's… you know…"

"I guess you don't." Tony shrugged.

"I mean… for all I know… I could be… you know." Allen was thinking aloud, he wasn't all that mindful of Tony's face drifting closer and closer towards his own.

"There you are!" Jr. suddenly burst into the bar with little warning. He was mildly irritated, having been searching for Tony for nearly an hour.

But something was wrong. Tony was not his usual, energetic self. He and Allen were sitting at the bar, staring sulkily into a plate of curry. There were empty liquor bottles and shot glasses scattered everywhere. "Are you guys okay?" Jr. raised an eyebrow. This was unusual… actually, acting sulky was more of a typical behavior for Allen, yet it was strange to see Tony in such a state.

"I don't know, Jr." Tony said finally. "I don't know."

"Oh. Well, we have to get to the dock colony. So you have to take us there." A noise from behind them drew Jr.'s attention. He turned around in time to see Shion enter.

"Okay, okay." Tony stood up, trying his best to ignore the female scientist and then promptly fell over.

"How much did he have to drink?" Jr. rushed over to help the pilot sit up.

"I don't remember." Allen shot Shion an accusatory glance and started spinning his barstool around in a circle. "We lost count after we went through all the vodka."

Shion knelt down beside Tony to assess his condition. She looked uncomfortable under Allen's scrutiny. Jr. didn't seem to notice.

"This man is in no condition to pilot a spacecraft." Shion announced.

"Great. Now what're we gonna do?" Jr. stood up and folded his arms across his chest, looking slightly annoyed.

"I guess we're going to have to wait until Tony sobers up." Shion sighed.

"Nah. I can still do it. I only had a few drinks…" Tony protested weakly, trying to stand up before falling over again.

"I think we'll all be safer on autopilot." Jr. thought aloud.

(5)

Deciding that they would have to make do without sophisticated equipment, Ziggy and KOS-MOS continued their investigation down in the basement of the Robot Academy.

"Ziggurat 8." KOS-MOS stood over Ziggy, who was crouched down on the ground inspecting a dirt sample. "I have found black clothing fibers. It is not unreasonable for me to believe that these belonged to the thief."

"Nice work." Ziggy stood up quickly, nearly bumping heads with the android. KOS-MOS quickly stepped back to avoid the collision. "Sorry." Ziggy hastily apologized.

"That was not a typical reaction. Perhaps you suffer from a sensory malfunction. It would be best to correct this problem immediately." KOS-MOS said in her usual flat tone, though her comment initially seemed to stem from concern. Ziggy chose to disregard her comment.

"Where did you find the clothing sample?" He asked. KOS-MOS pointed.

"The fibers are flammable." The android added. Ziggy nodded to acknowledge this, but he didn't really see how this piece of information was necessary. Most clothes were flammable. Ziggy remained silent as he continued to examine the sample. "Ziggurat 8," KOS-MOS spoke again.

"Yes?" Ziggy turned his head so that he could look at her, yet she remained silent. KOS-MOS just stared at him with her eerily vacant eyes. It was possible she had developed a glitch. She finally spoke after staring at him for nearly ten minutes.

"Perhaps it would be best to watch over this space until morning should the intruder return."

"That would be wise." Ziggy agreed.

(6)

"Well, I think we've managed to get the security system up and running," chaos reported to Jr. They were currently up on the bridge with Hammer and Capitan Matthews.

"So if anyone gets in, we'd know about it." Hammer finished. "I made a few revisions to the programming, so hopefully, it'll actually work this time."

"That's good." Jr. said.

"And we had to actually have something stolen before we realized there was no security system." Captain Matthews grumbled.

"Well, Capitan, our security isn't exactly airtight." Chaos said gently.

"What's that supposed to mean?" Matthews raised an eyebrow.

"We went with the cheapest system on the market, at your suggestion. We were running low on cash at the time." Hammer explained.

"So how much did the new system cost?" Matthews was beginning to look worried.

Hammer and chaos looked at each other, and decided to ignore Captain Matthew's question.

Jr. decided that this would be a good time to leave. "Well, it's getting late. I should probably get to bed."

He was on his way to the cabin when he saw that Momo had fallen asleep at the UMN terminal. Jr. smiled before making his way over towards her, trying to be as quiet as possible. He took off his trenchcoat and draped it over her sleeping form.

"Goodnight." He whispered.

(8)

"It is getting late." KOS-MOS announced.

"Yes it is." Ziggy agreed. This was how the two had passed their time together. They would sit in silence for a while, until KOS-MOS made a fairly obvious observation, Ziggy would agree and then they would become silent again.

"I suggest we utilize this time frame in a more productive manner." KOS-MOS said immediately after, breaking the chain of silence.

"How would we do that?" Ziggy raised an eyebrow, perplexed by KOS-MOS's unusual behavior.

(9)

"…Ziggy?" Momo rubbed at her eyes sleepily, the trenchcoat she was wearing covered her hands. "…What are you doing?"

All of the lab's equipment had been pushed off to the side of the room, the android and Cyborg stood in the center, rather, it looked more like they were standing upside-down.

"We are preparing for battle by utilizing an ancient exercise technique." KOS-MOS explained.

"This is actually a really good stretch for my neck." Ziggy commented.

"Gaignun Kukai Jr. was kind enough to instruct me in 'yoga' this morning." KOS-MOS explained.

"Oh. Okay. Well, um… I was up on the bridge and this light that says 'security' was flashing. I think that's bad. So I thought I'd tell you."

Ziggy quickly regained his normal posture and headed towards the staircase.

"He's in the ventilation system." He said to KOS-MOS.

"I will sound the alarm." The android stood up, and in one fluid motion, broke the glass case that housed the emergency lever and pulled it. The entire ship basked in a red light and an alarm sounded briefly. It was just enough wake the crew.

Momo looked up at the air duct, just in time to see someone clothed in a black ninja costume kick out the metal grating and emerge. Before the not-so observational realian had even the chance to scream, the ninja had grabbed her and was holding a very, very sharp knife at her throat.

"Let her go!" It was Jr.

"Jr. … he's not listening… aack!" Momo was cut off as the ninja pressed the blade closer against her throat. "Please… I don't like knives." Momo pleaded in a whisper.

"If you do not release the 100-series observational unit prototype I will be forced to do something drastic." KOS-MOS stated, drawing her revolver.

"KOS-MOS!" Shion hissed. "That information is supposed to be confidential."

"I do not want the intruder to become confused. It hinders negotiations in hostage situations." KOS-MOS explained.

"Give me the robot head and I won't hurt your girlfriend." The ninja said. He directed this comment towards Jr.

"Listen, man – it's not like that…" Jr. prepared himself for a long-winded explanation.

"Jr., now is not the time!" Shion scolded him.

"Don't worry, Jr." Allen placed his hand on the U.R.T.V's shoulder. "She's just jealous because you have a girlfriend and she doesn't."

Everyone stared at Shion in shock. The Scientist was mortified. "I – I…" She began, clearly uncomfortable with so many people staring at her. She took a deep breath. "Alright! It's time for me to come clean! I'm a lesbian and I don't care who knows it!" Shion Uzuki proclaimed, pumping her fists in the air.

Captain Matthews dropped his mug of coffee. The room was dead silent.

"What's a lesbian?" Momo finally broke the silence.

"Someone just get me the robot parts!" The Ninja was clearly becoming frustrated.

"I told you – I don't like knives." Momo hissed.

"Shut up."

Momo's eyes narrowed. Before the Ninja thief even knew what was happening, the realian had elbowed him sharply in the stomach and had him flat on the ground in a matter of seconds. She then balled her hands up into fists and began beating him about the face. Ziggy and Shion had to pull her off of him. The mask had fallen away to reveal a middle aged man with graying hair and wrinkles.

"Momo…" Jr. said, sounding impressed. "You totally beat the crap out of that guy."

"Nah," Momo brushed a strand of hair out of her face. "He was old. Old people go down easy."

"Could it be…" Assistant Scott stepped forward.

"It's been a long time… brother." The unmasked ninja smiled.


	3. Never talk to Strangers

**Potentially Problematic**

_Sophie Dawly_

_

* * *

_**Disclaimer**: I don't own Xenosaga or anything else I reference.

**Notes**: Thanks to everyone that reviewed! I really appreciate it.

* * *

(3 – Never talk to Strangers) 

(1)

"We have ways of making you talk." Chaos tried to sound menacing, but was, for the most part unsuccessful. His previous interrogation attempts had caused Momo to burst out into a fit of giggles, and she had to be escorted from the makeshift questioning room.

"Mom told me you had run away and joined the circus!" Assistant Scott exclaimed suddenly, then brought a hand up to hide his face. "I'm sorry… this is just very emotional for me. Not too long ago, I thought my big brother Scott was a peace-loving vegan circus performer. Someone I could idolize. Someone I could look up to. Now I see that my hero is nothing more than a sham. A fake."

"You guys are both named Scott?" Shion raised an eyebrow.

"My mother didn't like to complicate things."

"Dude, that makes no sense." Jr. commented.

"Those are harsh words, brother." Assistant Scott's evil brother also named Scott narrowed his eyes.

"Listen - - If you don't tell us who you're working for…" Jr. clenched his fists. The URTV was losing his patience.

"The temperature on this ship has dropped approximately 78 degrees in the last 15.4 minutes." KOS-MOS informed Ziggy.

"Yeah…" Jr. agreed, easily distracted. "Hammer, what's going on?" He paged the bridge.

"We had to shut off the heat. It was getting too expensive." Hammer's voice was crackly over the intercom. "And we're already in a lot of debt as it is…"

"Havin' money troubles, kid?" Evil Assistant Scott was gloating. Jr. had enough.

He drew his handgun, fired three warning shots in the air, and then aimed the gun at the hostage's face. "If you don't tell me who you're working for…" Jr. cocked back the gun and narrowed his eyes. "I'll shoot."

"Well, if you kill me, you'll never find out who I'm working for."

"I'm not going to kill you." Jr. smirked, and aimed the gun a bit lower. Evil Assistant Scott went pale and began to sweat.

"You… wouldn't…" He squeaked.

"Oh yes I would… I have ways of making you useless to a woman!"

"I resent that!" Shion folded her arms across her chest and glared at Jr., looking very upset.

"For the love of God, Shion!" Jr. lowered the handgun and turned around to face the annoyed scientist.

"Professor Dark!" Evil Assistant Scott hung his head. "I was working for professor Dark all those years. I never went to work for the circus. I had never even considered it. I was a Vegan for a brief period of time, now I've just decided that if I stop eating red meat, that'll be enough."

"I knew it!" The Professor jumped up. "I knew you were in league with my arch-nemesis!" He rushed forward and began shaking Evil Assistant Scott. "Where is he? Where is he now? What is he going to do with my robot!"

"That information…" Evil Assistant Scott managed to get out. "…is strictly confidential. The boss man doesn't like to tell me all that much. But no one is threatening my manhood at the moment, so I'm kinda in a generous mood, so I'll give you a little hint. Within the Encephalon, there's an Encephalon, accessible via the Forbidden Devices. But you already knew that. So getting there shouldn't be a problem." He smiled. "Now If you'll excuse me, I really have to get going." Evil Assistant Scott stood up as the ropes that bound him fell away, as if they hadn't been secured properly. The outline of his form shimmered a little, then he disappeared entirely.

"What the hell happened?" Jr. looked around, trying to find the evil ninja.

"Did he just do a gate jump?" Shion asked.

"Unconfirmed. However, it is statistically low as it is unlikely that one could gate jump from this location." KOS-MOS explained.

The ship seemed to rumble, and they all heard a sputtering sound coming from the engine room.

"Hammer, what just happened?" Jr. paged the bridge again.

"Well, apparently the generator stopped working. I'd fix it myself, but I need tools that we can't afford right now."

"How are we supposed to save the universe if we can't move!" The Professor jumped up and down emphatically for a few seconds.

"That's fantastic." Jr. said sarcastically. "Should we all get out and push?"

"Affirmative." KOS-MOS nodded, and headed for the exit.

"KOS-MOS, wait! Where are you going?" Shion chased after the android.

"Wait. I think I can fix this." Ziggy said thoughtfully.

(2)

"Wow! We managed to cover all our debts and we've even got a surplus of cash!" Hammer said excitedly. The whole crew was up on the bridge, and Ziggy was gloating.

"We haven't had money to spend in years." Tony sat back in his chair.

"Ziggy – how'd you do it?" Jr. asked the cyborg.

"I realized that I had never collected on my life insurance policy. It turned out to be a lot of money…" Ziggy explained.

"You never collected on your life insurance policy?" Shion turned around. "How do you forget something like that?"

"After I was reanimated, I was too preoccupied with things like contemplating the meaning of existence and wishing I hadn't been reanimated. Then I tried to run from my past by taking on near-impossible missions for the government. That kept me busy for a while."

"Oh." Was the only appropriate response Shion could think of at the moment.

"If my emotion centers were more developed and fully functional, I may feel sympathetic to your situation." KOS-MOS informed Ziggy.

"Er… Thank you."

"Well, now that the money situation is under control, we should probably focus on finding Dark Professor." Jr. changed the subject. "Momo, could you plot a course for… Hey! Where'd she go?"

"I'm the navigator on this ship." Hammer was incensed that Jr. had the audacity to ask a 100-series to navigate.

"Yeah, but she's less likely to get us lost!" Tony stood up in his chair for dramatic effect.

"Scanners are unable to locate Momo anywhere within the vicinity." KOS-MOS notified her creator, Shion Uzuki.

"She probably got herself kidnapped- _again._" Hammer reclined comfortably in his chair until Matthew's kicked the back of his seat. "OW!" Hammer rubbed the back of his head and turned to glare at the Capitan.

"HAMMER'S RIGHT." Zaza, another Elsa droid came rushing onto the bridge.

"Woah – calm down!" Tony said. "Is that smoke coming out of your ears?"

"IT'S ALL MY FAULT. I FEEL TERRIBLE." Zaza hung his head.

"What's all your fault?" Jr. asked.

"I NEVER SHOULD HAVE LEFT…"

"Get to the point!"

"I WAS GOING LEAVE THE ELSA TO SEE WHAT LIFE WOULD BE LIKE ON THE OUTSIDE. BUT THEN I GOT STUCK UNDER A PILE OF SCRAP METAL AND HAD A HEART ATTACK. WITH A PLASTIC BAG STUCK ON MY HEAD. MOMO WAS KIND ENOUGH HELP ME BUT AFTERWARDS SHE WAS VERY TIRED. THEN THE NINJA CAME AND TOOK HER."

Jr. looked away.

"SHE PUT UP A GOOD FIGHT AND MANAGED TO BEAT HIM ABOUT THE HEAD WITH AN UMBRELLA."

"Then what happened?" Shion asked out of concern.

"HE LURED HER AWAY WITH PROMISES OF CANDY."

"Yeah… that's Momo." Tony shrugged, sounding indifferent.

"Damn bastard." Jr. punched the wall ineffectively. He then began spewing expletives in any combination he could imagine.

"Shion." KOS-MOS turned to the scientist during Jr.'s tirade. "The word F!$# is not programmed into my vocabulary. I will require a definition to add this to my dictionary."

(3)

"The Ninja probably took Momo back to wherever it is Dark Professor is hiding. But the question is where. And what would he want with her?" Jr. pondered aloud.

"I told her to be wary of strangers offering candy…" Ziggy grumbled.

"100-Series Realians do not readily accept information that has not been programmed into the main database." KOS-MOS said in a consolingly emotionless tone.

(4)

"What…happened?" Momo wasn't sure where she was, except that it was dark. As her eyes adjusted to the dim light she observed that she had been locked in an unusually small barred cell.

"You're finally awake." A voice spoke from the shadows, where Momo couldn't see. "I'm claustrophobic." Momo spoke in a whisper. Already, she could feel the cell walls closing in around her, forcing the air out of her lungs.

"Perhaps you're wondering why I've brought you here. Why I've even bothered to have you kidnapped – well, the truth is Scott screwed up. He was supposed to get the scientist, but I suppose you'll have to do." The speaker took a few deep breaths to calm himself and then continued; "I need you to build something for me."


	4. The AlterEgo

**Potentially Problematic**

_Sophie Dawly_

**

* * *

Disclaimer** – I don't own anything in here. I don't own rights to Xenosaga Episodes I,II or any future installments to the Xenosaga series. I don't own anything else I make reference to. I am not making money off of this. There. That just about covers everything.

* * *

(4- The Alter-Ego)

(1)

"What are you planning to do?" Now that her captor had relocated her to a larger holding cell, Momo could breath a little easier and felt more inclined to ask questions.

"You wouldn't understand. But since I've recruited you as forced labor I suppose I'll have to give you some of the details." He sighed. "My name… is Professor Dark."

Momo's eyes went wide as he stepped forward from the shadows to reveal his ancient lined face.

"Y – You're the one that stole from our spaceship!"

"Yes. That's right."

"You're that 'stupid old curmudgeon that left behind a clear trail of evidence'!" Momo was only repeating what she had heard the Professor saying some time before. She didn't even know what a curmudgeon was.

"Watch it there, kiddo. At least I wasn't the one who fell for the 'I'll give you some candy' line!" Professor Dark said testily. He paused and took a deep breath to compose himself, and then continued; "Now, what I am building is of no small consequence. Perhaps you remember my Dark Erde Kaiser that I once intended to use to control people through virtual space."

"That's horrible!" Momo exclaimed, but Professor Dark just ignored her.

"But you and your friends destroyed my plans, along with my robot, so I've now had to invent a far more dastardly plan!"

"What are you going to do?"

"I am going to destroy all of humanity! I would rather existence did not exist than live in a universe where I am only second best compared to that Professor!"

Momo was silent. In a strange sort of way, she felt herself empathizing with him, understanding this madman's emotions.

"But just because you're only second doesn't mean you have to give up on everything! You're still human after all…" She spoke with such conviction, that Professor Dark stared at her in amazement. Clearly, he had never had a hostage act in such a fashion. And then he listened to her story.

(2)

Shion was busy working on the Encephalon, trying to pinpoint Momo's location so that they could go and rescue her. She had arrived at the conclusion that Momo had been taken to the Encephalon after the hint Evil assistant Scott had given them.

Meanwhile, Matthews and the Professor were getting drunk, at a loss for anything better to do. Adonis, the droid that worked at the bar, made sure that their glasses never quite reached empty.

"You know- if Shion wants to live her life like that…" Allen and Tony were sitting in a booth elsewhere in the bar with three bottles of liquor. Only one still had something left.

"Yeah, there's nothing wrong with her being a L-l-l." Allen couldn't bring himself to say it. It had taken him several rounds of drinks for him to reach this stage of acceptance.

"Hey, Allen." Tony leaned forward. "You wanna go… somewhere with me?"

"Okay." They two men got up, and leaning on each other for support, managed to make their way towards the door.

"Look at the door! It's shiny and it goes 'Swoosh!'" Allen commented.

"Yeah… that door… it always goes 'Swoosh!' it's awesome. Like… it's just awesome." Tony agreed.

The Professor and Captain Matthews were too busy getting sloshed to pay any mind to Allen and Tony falling over while trying to leave.

(3)

"Damn… This is all my fault." Jr. had slipped into his second bout of depression since Momo's disappearance. He had locked himself up in his room so that no one would bother him, leaving him free to wallow in self-pity. "I should've been there… I should have been protecting her… like I promised." Jr. stood before a mirror so he could glare at himself properly.

"Looks like you've really screwed up this time." Jr.'s reflection folded his arms across his chest and stared at him. Jr. didn't seem all that surprised, but he was panicking a little.

"No… not you… not again!" He covered his ears with his hands and dropped to his knees.

"What, Rubedo? You're not happy to see me?" The reflection pouted.

"Leave me alone!" Jr. begged. "Y-you're not real!" He insisted, rising to his feet to yell at his twin in the mirror.

"Really?" The reflection sounded incredulous. He poked himself in the stomach, just as a test. "Well…" He began, "If I'm not real, then how come I can do this!" Jr.'s reflection slammed his palm against the mirror, creating a distortion in the air around him.

Jr. covered his face with his hands, and began writhing in pain. "No, stop! Stop it! You're not real!" He insisted.

"I am very, very real Rubedo." The reflection narrowed his eyes and looked menacing. "And you are going to listen to me."

(4)

Ziggy was down in the basement level, looking for clues. KOS-MOS was there as well – she had insisted on helping him. He had dusted the weaponry counter and shutter for prints, but hadn't really found anything. KOS-MOS was examining a piece of metal on the floor.

"Hey!" Jr. greeted Ziggy enthusiastically – it almost made the cyborg suspicious. "Watcha up to?"

"I am currently examining this piece of s#!." KOS-MOS reported, referring to the piece of metal using one of the new words that had recently been added to her vocabulary.

"That's awesome." Jr. commented, unsure of what else to say. KOS-MOS went back to her task.

"We're looking for clues to Momo's disappearance." Ziggy informed the URTV. Jr. nodded to show that he was listening and understood.

Suddenly, there was a rather loud noise behind the metal shutter of the weaponry counter.

"Did you hear that?" Ziggy turned his head towards the direction of the sound.

"Affirmative."

"All I hear is those voices saying that I've got to burn everything to make way for the apocalypse." Jr. said.

KOS-MOS and Ziggy turned to stare at him.

"What? You guys don't hear it?" Jr. stared at them, unconvinced.

Ziggy had decided to ignore this last comment, and instead, directed his attention back to the metal shutter. He forced it open, and was shocked by what he saw. Impulsively, Ziggy grabbed Jr., the youngest in the room, and covered his eyes.

"Hey – wha… what's going on!" Jr. began waving his arms around frantically.

"Lunch is ready!" Shion announced. "Sweet fancy Moses! Allen! Have you no decency!" She was repulsed at the sight of Tony and Allen in a rather compromising position.

"Uhh…" Tony and Allen looked at each other.

"What's going on!" Jr. finally managed to break free of Ziggy's grasp. "Jesus Monkey Lords!" He exclaimed.

"Wait – this isn't what it looks like!" Tony stood up.

"I am offended by this." The KOS-MOS informed everyone. "I am leaving this area."

"Look, man – just take it. Keep it please." Jr. handed Tony his trenchcoat and followed KOS-MOS and the others back upstairs.

(5)

Jr. went back into the men's cabin to retrieve a new trenchcoat out of the closet. He had just finished putting it back on, when something startled him.

"I think we should go get them."

"Stop it! I would never do anything like that!" Jr. protested. "They're my friends!"

"Listen to me Rubedo." The reflection glared at him. "Listen or else."

(6)

"System scanning complete." KOS-MOS reported.

"Finally!" Shion sighed. They had been busy running tests on the metal object that the android had discovered in the basement for most of the day.

"There is a 97.888 percent probability that this is a Forbidden Dive device."

"But it's so small!" Shion's eyes widened in disbelief. She took the small object in her hands to study it.

"There is also a very high probability that it will lead us to Momo's current location." KOS-MOS added.

"We've got to tell everyone – right away!" Shion stood up, and rushed to the bridge.

(7)

"Jesus tap-dancing Christ!" Tony spat on the floor, still a little drunk. "Hammer – I _know_ you took it!"

"I have no idea what you're talking about!" Hammer protested.

"My first-edition copy of the Iron 4 volume 12 Issue 5!" Tony folded his arms across his chest and glared at Hammer threateningly. "I know it was you. You've practically been swooning over it since I got it!"

"Why would I want your crappy comic book when I actually have the complete Iron 4 collection!" Hammer's voice had reached and entirely new volume, and had begun to sound squeaky. It hurt Shion's ears just listening to him.

"What's going on?" Jr. appeared wearing a new trenchcoat.

"Hammer stole my first-edition comic book and now he's calling it crappy!" Tony pointed to the hopping mad navigator.

Jr. tried not to look guilty, yet Neither Tony or Hammer seemed to notice; they were too busy being angry with each other.

"What the hell?" Captain Matthews arrived, Chaos not far behind him.

"Please, stop this at once." Chaos stepped forward.

"I know where their keeping Momo!" Shion said suddenly. "This is actually a dive device." She said, referring to the round metal object she held in her hands.

"Really?" Jr. sounded genuinely interested not only because he wanted to save Momo, but also because he didn't want to discuss what had happened to Tony's Iron 4 comic book anymore.

"There's no time to waste." Ziggy said. "Let's go."

(8)

"It's time for you to meet the boss." Professor Dark opened the door to Momo's cell. "I think you'll understand what I'm trying to do."

Momo hopped down. She had been shaking with fear before, but now she had seemed to have some level of control; at least she could stand up properly now.

She followed the professor down the hall; at least she thought it was a hall. It was dark, so she really couldn't tell. They stopped at what looked like a door.

"Go in and meet her." Dark Professor said. "I know she seems a bit rough around the edges, but she's really a nice person once you get to know her."

Momo gulped and went through the door.

"Come in, you filth."

The sound of that voice was enough to make her blood run cold.


	5. who is chuck norris?

**Potentially Problematic**

_Sophie Dawly_

**

* * *

****Disclaimer** – I don't own anything in here. 

**Authors Note** – This is probably going to be the second to last chapter. I don't like to make things too lengthy… it really doesn't work out with my attention-span.

* * *

(5 – Who is Chuck Norris?)

(1)

"Everything is all set up." Shion sighed and took a step back. "Now all we have to do is wait for the equipment to charge and we're good to go." She looked around, only to discover that she had, in fact, been talking to herself.

"I guess I should get everyone else up here…" She reached into her pocket for her Bunnie phone, only to discover that it was not there. "That's strange…"

(2)

"Come in, you filth."

"Ahh…" Momo had started shaking again. The last time she had encountered Orgulla, her friends had been there to protect her. Now, she was all alone.

"Welcome to this holy confessional. Now… confess your sins!"

"Um-" Momo squeaked.

"I will listen to anything." Orgulla's eyes narrowed.

"I… I…" Momo was thinking. "One time… I was at band camp… and…" She stopped. She had never been at Band Camp. Sakura had. She was recalling one of Sakura's memories, before she had gotten sick. Momo decided that she might as well finish the story anyway; "I was at Band Camp, and all the big kids were making fun of me…And… I had bad thoughts towards them."

Orgulla was silent, thinking.

"Now that you have confessed your sins, you are forgiven." She said simply and stood up. Orgulla reached for a box on her desk and removed a cigar from it. "Name's Orgulla. I believe we've already met." She extended her one hand and lit the cigar with the other.

"I'm Momo!" Momo said brightly, shaking her hand.

"No. You are Disciple number Nine." Orgulla corrected.

"Oh. Okay." Momo shrugged.

"Well, Disciple Nine, the work we do here is very important." The woman removed the cigar from her mouth as she prepared herself for a long speech. "The universe has become a very corrupt place. I seek to simplify matters - To… purge the world of its sins." Orgulla blew a smoke ring with such elegance that Momo couldn't help but stare.

"How are you going to do that?"

"'_We do not have to visit a madhouse to find disordered minds; our planet is the mental institution of the universe.' _Goethe." Orgulla paused dramatically. "I will remedy this confusion by simply destroying everything. Professor Dark has willingly supplied the means for me to do so – the _Uber Dark Erde Kaiser_. That's where you come in."

(3)

"Target confirmed. Commencing Encephalon Dive." KOS-MOS reported monotonously.

"Be careful, Allen." Tony cautioned. "You'd better come back."

"I will." Allen said, sounding much braver than he felt. He was glad to have someone that noticed him and cared about him, but at the same time he could do without the weird looks he was getting from everyone else with the exception of KOS-MOS, who rarely cared about anything.

Ziggy, KOS-MOS, Shion, Allen, Jr. and Chaos returned their attention to the small metal object and waited for the world around them to spin and fade, and turn to something completely different.

"Where… are we?" Shion looked around. They appeared to be inside of another ship, but she wasn't sure.

"It can't be…" Ziggy spoke with disbelief.

"Do you recognize this locale?" KOS-MOS inquired, taking note of the cyborg's reaction. "Yes. This is the ship where I was stationed…" Ziggy looked off into the distance, staring at something no one else could see. "I met my wife here…" His voice suddenly became very low, almost inaudible. He felt something gentle at his back, and turned his head.

KOS-MOS was attempting to comfort the cyborg by placing a hand on his shoulder. Their eyes locked.

This display of friendly concern was not lost on the android's creator, Shion, who smiled at KOS-MOS's display of sympathy.

"That's KOS-MOS! -Dependable, and providing comfort for a friend in need… and shiny, too. Kind-of like a refrigerator." Shion hadn't meant to speak out loud.

"We shouldn't linger." Chaos announced.

"Right." Ziggy nodded.

(4)

"But I really don't know anything about mech construction!" Momo said pleadingly to Orgulla.

"There is no reason to lie. To lie is to commit a sin. And when you commit a sin, you must repent." Orgulla said airily. Momo went pale.

"No! Not the dark scary place!" She begged, crying hysterically as Orgulla dragged the girl to a rather small black closet, threw her in and shut the door.

"You must use this time to beg for forgiveness, Disciple Nine. It is for your own good." Orgulla said, though Momo barely heard her as she banged on the walls of the closet pleading to be let out.

"Your Mom would be ashamed of you!" Momo sobbed as Orgulla walked away. Such an accusation made the woman stop abruptly.

Before she could fully realize it, tears began to form in Orgulla's eyes. "I…never knew my mother." She whispered. Rushing back over to what can only be described as a closet she placed her ear against it, listening for some kind of sound, only Momo had become silent.

"Orgulla." Evil assistant Scott entered the room clothed in his ninja garb. "They're here. That muscular German cyborg is with them."

"A-alright." Orgulla tried not to look distracted. After Evil Assistant Scott left she returned her attention to the closet.

"Momo… you've made me realize something very important today. I'm a total bitch." Orgulla sighed. "I – I'll get you out. But this door is stuck so I'm going to have to go find something to get it open." She left, praying silently that she would make it back in time.

(5)

"Shion." KOS-MOS called after her creator as the group began to move forward. "It would be wiser, strategically, to split into pairs so that it is possible to cover more ground in the least amount of time."

"That's actually a really good idea." Shion said thoughtfully. "Okay then KOS-MOS, why don't you come with m-"

"I will go with Ziggurat 8." KOS-MOS stated before Shion could finish her sentence.

"Oh. Okay then." Shion shrugged. "I guess I'll go with chaos and Jr. can go with Allen-"

Jr. looked at Shion wide-eyed and horrified.

"Okay, Jr., you come with me and Allen can go with chaos." Shion said. Jr. noticeably relaxed.

"Yup. I'll go with my _friend_ Chaos." Allen glared at Jr. This expression of loathing was lost on the URTV who was currently having an argument with himself.

"Wait – what did he say?" Jr. asked Shion after Allen and chaos turned to leave.

"Don't know. I think he said something about being gay. I wasn't really paying attention." Shion shrugged.

"Oh. Right."

(6)

"Alrigh, Momo – I'll get you out of here!" Orgulla, wielding a crowbar attempted to pry open the door. _I hope it's not too late…_ She found herself thinking.

The wood finally splintered and gave way, Orgulla found Momo lying unconscious on the floor. Gently scooping up the young girl in her arms, Orgulla headed for the exit. A small light on a nearby console lit up.

"It looks like you're friends are here, little one." Orgulla smiled.

Just then, the door opened, and Jr. rushed in.

"It's you!" He said, his voice seething with hatred. The red haired boy drew his handgun and aimed it at the religious zealot.

"W-wait! I'm on your side!"

"What are you saying?" Shion sounded incredulous.

"This girl… she has inspired me to give up my evil ways… now I have decided to become a vegan circus performer and leave behind this life of hatred and malice."

"But what have you done to Momo?" Shion asked out of concern.

"She's just unconscious. She'll be alright." Orgulla assured her. "Can you come and take her from me?" She asked Jr.

"Oh my GAWD you found her!" Allen appeared in the doorway and flicked his wrist in an uncharacteristically gay fashion. Even chaos was a little wierded out.

"Dude… don't _ever_ do that again." Jr. advised.

"Well, well, well. And here I was thinking that I was going to have to hunt you down." Professor Dark appeared in the doorway.

(7)

"I can't believe we've gotten ourselves captured by the Dark Professor!" Allen kicked at the wall of the group's cell, and then immediately clutched at his foot and howled in pain.

"Well…" Jr. trailed off. "It wasn't a total loss. I managed to steal his wallet." He shrugged. "I hope Momo wakes up soon…"

"It's times like these we have to ask ourselves – What would Chuck Norris do?" Chaos said contemplatively from the dark corner of the cell.

"Who's Chuck Norris?" Momo asked, sitting up.

"Momo!" Jr. said, relieved. "You're awake!"

"Good. Momo, do you think you could use the Hilbert Effect to scramble the electronic locks?" Shion asked.

"Okay – I'll do my best!" Momo nodded. The Observational 100-series realian closed her eyes and began to concentrate, the air around her shimmered and became distorted.

The cell phone in Jr.'s pocket went off.

"Hey! That's-!" Shion lunged forward, not even giving the boy a chance to cry out. "My Bunnie phone! You _stole _my Bunnie phone!" Shion clutched the cellular fiercely, her eye's filled with pure hate.

"But – but you don't understand!" Jr. pleaded as a blue yo-yo fell out of his trenchcoat pocket, along with the Dark Professor's wallet, a E.S model figurine, some comic books and Canadian currency.

"Hey! That's my yo-yo!" Allen snatched it up off the floor quickly. "I thought I had lost it again!"

"Aren't those Tony's comic books?" Momo asked. "And that's my E.S. Asher model! You even gave it to me! Jr. – how could you?"

"But-! It…" Jr. hung his head, feeling very ashamed. "But it wasn't me! It was HIM! He told me to steal everything so you guys would get mad at each other and kill yourselves off! He told me to burn things! And hurt people! And kick puppies! Like right now, he's telling me to kill kittens by drowning them in putrid toilet bowl water."

"That's my Canadian money…" Chaos shook his head.

"I always knew there was something about him…" Allen whispered to Shion, who nodded in understanding.

" 'He' who?" Momo tilted her head a little to one side, clearly not understanding what Jr. was trying to say.

"You really ought to be seeing someone. Like, a professional _psychiatrist_ hahahahaha!" Allen laughed.

"I don't get it." Momo turned to Shion.

"Me neither. Allen, were you trying to tell a joke?"

"em… no." Allen started down at his feet. "Oh – look, the door's open." He pointed, trying to divert everyone's attention away from his poor attempt at a joke.

"Yay!" Momo stood up and clapped her hands.

"Great. We'll meet up with Ziggy and KOS-MOS, then get out of here." Shion said.

"Wait – shouldn't we destroy the Dark Uber Erde Kaiser first?" Momo asked.

"Hmm… That might not be a bad idea." Shion agreed. "Okay, let's do that."

"Hey! There's **64** missed calls on here!" Jr. exclaimed, somehow managing to get his hands on Shion's cell phone again.

"Give me that!" Shion made a grab for the cell, but Jr. stepped just out of her reach.

"And they're all from Miyuki!" Jr. announced.

"What? Lemmie see!" Allen reached for the phone.

"Just give me that back!" Shion demanded. "That's my personal phone!"

"Duh!" Jr. and Allen said in unison.

"Why is Miyuki calling you so much, anyway?" Allen asked.

"Because… well… we're dating. _Exclusively_." Shion explained, trying to make her response as brief and as vague as possible.

"Man, you took all the fun out of it. Couldn't you have at least tried to avoid the question?" Jr. sounded disappointed. "I mean, you had to go out and just say it."

"Jr., did you just call Shion a man?" Momo asked.

"Yeah, whatever. Same thing." Jr. waved her off. Shion looked like she was about to kill.

"Sorry to interrupt, guys, but we really should be going." Chaos pointed out.

"I like that idea." Jr. said quickly.

(8)

Ziggy and KOS-MOS were exploring the area, trying to be as silent as possible. KOS-MOS had already explained that their success rate would drop at least 84 percent if their presence was detected.

That was why the android had suggested hiding in the Janitor's closet- to keep from being detected by the enemy.

"Dude – you've been in the bathroom for over an hour. If you don't open the flippin' door..." A menacing sounding voice said.

KOS-MOS opened the door.

"This is not the bathroom." She explained.

"Oh. Sorry." The man, who was a security patrol officer, said politely and closed the door.

"Maybe we should go look for the others." Ziggy suggested.

"Affirmative." The android agreed.

(9)

"Okay, here's the plan." Shion said in an excited whisper. "Momo. I'm gonna need you to distract the Professor, while we sneak around and blow up the Dark Erde Kaiser. Hopefully, KOS-MOS and Ziggy will find us in time to help out. Any questions?"

Momo raised her hand.

"Yes?"

"Well, how am I supposed to distract him?" The realian asked.

"I don't know. Just start talking about stuff." Jr. suggested.

"Okay, let's go." Chaos said.

"Jr. – I'm scared!" Momo whispered urgently, clutching the boy's arm.

"Everything 'll be fine." Jr. assured her. "You just need to buy us some time. I won't let anything happen. I promise."

"Okay." Momo said, forcing a smile.

"…Momo?"

"Yes, Jr.?"

"Can you let go of my arm?"


	6. jimbo and the epilogue

**Potentially Problematic**

_Sophie Dawly_

**

* * *

Disclaimer** – see chapter 5…or 4… 0r 3… Used some quotes of stuff from the internet that aren't mine…I don't own anything, okay?

**Authors Note** – Last chapter and Epilogue. Yay! The Epilogue has absolutely nothing to do with the story, it's more like a sequel only shorter.

* * *

(6 – Jimbo) 

(1)

"Umm…" Momo ventured a glance over towards Jr., Shion, Chaos and Allen only to be met with stern glares. She turned once again to Professor Dark. "So, umm… do you like stuff?"

Jr. smacked his forehead in frustration. Professor Dark turned, and saw them.

"Well, well – if it isn't my arch-nemesis's associates."

"You know, we almost sound respectable when you say it like that." Jr. commented.

"Silence!" Professor Dark boomed.

"Just answer me this one question!" Shion said, although it sounded more like a demand. "Why do you want to destroy the entire universe?"

"Well… a number of reasons. For one thing, there are far too many fat children." The Evil Professor said simply.

"Did you just call me fat?" Momo's voice suddenly became loud. "You think I'm fat! I can't believe this! You think I'm a cow don't you! You're a horrible person, Professor Dark!" her face had turned bright red with rage. "And if a cow got the chance they'd kill you and everyone you cared about!"

"Jr.- what is she talking about?" Chaos whispered.

"Ah… I do so relish these times of peril." Jr. shrugged. "Actually, I just wanted to say that. I really have no idea what she's talking about."

"…and if a cow killed you and everyone you cared about, you'd be DEAD." Momo was shouting now, and it was kinda scaring the crap out of everyone.

"Removing object." There was a loud explosion and all the colour drained from the professor's face. "Target destroyed."

"KOS-MOS!" Shion grinned.

"Ziggy!" Momo smiled.

"Can we go home now?" Allen asked.

(2)

Back on the Elsa, with Professor Dark in custody, the crew pondered their next move.

"Something needs to be done about the little one." Orgulla decided.

"You talkin' to me?"

"Yes."

"Yeah, tell your alter ego or whatever to stop stealing all our stuff." Tony glared at Jr.

"You don't believe me?" Jr. sounded incredulous.

"Well… I mean, it doesn't seem very likely." Chaos said gently.

"What he said! Does this Alter Ego even have a name? What do you call him? Red Dragon? Hehehe…" Tony snickered.

"No…" Jr. then mumbled something inaudible.

"Sorry – I didn't catch that." Chaos folded his arms across his chest and waited.

"I prefer to be addressed as Sir Jimbo." Jr.'s voice became deeper, and more menacing. "And I don't care for the mocking tone in which you are addressing me."

"Jr.? Is this some kind of joke?" Shion raised an eyebrow.

"Jr. …?" Momo asked out of concern.

"Tell the cow to stop whining." Jr. – or Sir Jimbo ordered, in reference to Momo.

"Why does everyone think I'm fat?" Momo said, on the brink of tears.

"There's not much I can do about this now…" Orgulla sighed. "We'll have to wait until after we get to the Kukai foundation."

"What sort of thing did you have in mind?"

"That I cannot discuss in the presence of the malevolent spirit Sir Jimbo."

"What's going on? Why is Momo crying?" Jr.'s voice reverted to normal.

"Sir Jimbo will slowly begin to take control of Jr.'s consciousnesses." Orgulla explained sadly. "Something must be done."

"Something must be done before the Uber Dark Erde Kaiser is resurrected, you mean!" The Professor stumbled into the room loudly in his normal, obnoxious fashion.

"Hold the phone!" Allen stood up. "What does the Uber Dark Erde Kaiser have to do with Sir Jimbo?"

The Professor's eyes narrowed. "_Everything_."

"This will require and explanation." KOS-MOS said. "I have no records of anything pertaining to 'Sir Jimbo' in my main database."

"Sir Jimbo is an anomaly." The Professor explained. "In a sense. Sir Jimbo was created with the specific purpose of wreaking havoc by the Dark Professor many years ago. He somehow was able to place a virus in Dr. Yuriev's main database and add another component to unit number 666 –Rubedo in addition to Red Dragon."

"I'm confused." Momo said.

"That sucks!" Allen shouted. No one seemed to notice.

"That's not important. What is important is that an entity like Sir Jimbo exists for the purpose of causing a ruckus. And He's probably going to try and resurrect the Uber Dark Erde Kaiser to do just that!"

"…Did you just say 'ruckus'?" Momo asked, bursting into a fit of giggles. "heehee… 'Ruckus'! That's such a funny word. I mean… ah… sorry." She apologized quickly.

"SILENCE COW!" Jr. – now Sir Jimbo shouted.

"This situation is much graver than I originally thought." Orgulla said thoughtfully. "This calls for drastic measures."

"Momo!" Shion attempted to catch the young girl as she fled the room crying. "Poor Momo…" She murmured with genuine sympathy.

(3)

"I don't know why Jr. doesn't like me…" Momo sniffled when she heard Shion enter the women's cabin. "I mean… I'm energetic, lively… cute…" Her face suddenly contorted into the picture of despair. "Shion… I just described a dog, didn't I?"

"But Momo, people love dogs." Shion said consolingly without missing a beat, comforting the young girl.

For some reason, that didn't seem to help much.

(4)

"We must perform and exorcism as soon as we arrive back at the Kukai foundation. Time is valuable." Orgulla said gravely. Jr. had been dragged from the Elsa Bar and tied up in the engine room so that Sir Jimbo would not know of their master plan.

"I think this is taking things a little too far…" Allen commented. Momo and Shion were not talking part in the discussion, but they were present. It had taken a fair amount of coaxing just to get the depressed little realian to leave her room.

It was Tony's turn to make dinner – he was somewhere in the kitchen trying to cook.

"We should arrive at the Kukai Foundation in two hours, twelve minutes, eighteen point two seconds." KOS-MOS informed Orgulla after returning from the bridge.

"Good." Orgulla's eyes narrowed. "That gives me some time to plan."

"Dinner is served!" Tony said enthusiastically.

"What is it?" Chaos stared at his plate.

"Um… Astronaut food. I found it in a cookbook." Tony explained. "So… ah – eat up!"

While everyone else was staring at their plates, Momo decided to at least try the new food.

"Hey, this astronaut food isn't too bad." She shrugged.

"That's toothpaste, Momo. Tony was just too lazy to actually make something." Hammer glared at Tony.

"Oh." Momo shrugged. "Minty." And she took another spoonful while everyone else stared.

(5)

"This is a lot worse than I had originally anticipated." Gaignun shook his head, Mary and Shelly standing at either side as Jr. was wheeled off the Elsa in a straightjacket and a stretcher.

"There's no time to waste." Orgulla said. "Please, direct me to your nearest confessional."

"I think she's talking about the bar." Matthews explained.

"Right this way." Gaignun gestured.

(6)

"I don't do exorcisms. They're violent, dangerous, and well… stupid." Chaos folded his arms across his chest and eyed Orgulla, but she wasn't listening. Orgulla was too busy explaining to Momo how they would help Jr. by casting the demon out of his soul.

"In olden times the body would be cut and bled… occasionally even burnt until the body is no longer a suitable place for the demon to dwell."

Momo looked up from her notes. "Can you go back to the burning…"

"Really guys, I have a bad feeling about this." Chaos scratched at the back of his head.

"Silence, Yeshua." Orgulla's eyes flashed. She had insisted that only chaos and Momo be present at the exorcism.

"Huh… Momo…" Jr.'s voice sounded faint/

"Jr.!" Momo rested her hand on his arm. "Don't worry Jr. We know what to do! If we have to, we'll cut the demon out of you!"

Jr. winced at her touch. For one thing, she sounded way too enthusiastic.

Orgulla had already begun chanting and Chaos was holding a bowl of Holy Water, and not looking too happy about it. Every once in a while he'd spray some on Jr.'s face.

Momo was studying the red-haired boy intently, watching for signs that the exorcism was working.

Jr. endured all this silently, until Orgulla lifted a ceremonial knife above her head.

"Oh, God – guide my hand so that I may cast out all that is unholy!"

"T-The Holy Water was working! Please! I need more water! No knife!"

"I think Jr. needs to handle this." Chaos explained. "Anything we do won't matter. It's Jr.'s alter ego. He needs to face him." He set the bowl down and set up a full length mirror in front of Jr. "Let's go."

Orgulla sighed and set the knife down. "May the Gracious Lord smile upon you."

"Goodbye, Jr." Momo gave a small wave and smiled sadly as Orgulla and Chaos led her from the room.

"Can someone get me out of this straightjacket? Please?" Jr. called after them, but the only response he got was the sound of the door closing shut.

"Hehehe… Al-looone at last." The reflection spoke.

"You've gotta be kidding me." Jr. rolled his eyes.

"Don't roll your eyes at me, Rubedo. You're the one that screwed up." Jimbo folded his arms across his chest. "If it wasn't for you, you're friends would've been too preoccupied to destroy the Uber Dark Erde Kaiser… You just had to ruin my plans! If only you'd have listened!"

"What are you talking about? Why are you doing this? What do you possibly have to gain by destroying everything?"

"After I destroy the universe, I can resurrect the world in my image! There's still time if you let me…" Jimbo smirked.

"Never!" Jr. shouted. His aura flared up, and the straightjacket that bound him fell away. Jr.'s hand balled into a fist, and he shattered the mirror, and Sir Jimbo, into a million pieces that fluttered to the floor.

But he didn't stop there. Jr. wasn't completely satisfied until he had destroyed every single reflective surface in the bar.

Jr. destroyed all the glasses, all the bottles. He was in the process of destroying the shiny metal bar counter with a stool when Gaignun entered.

"What are you doing?" He asked, somehow managing to sound calm.

"Well, Gaignun…" Jr. threw the stool down and wiped his brow with his sleeve. "I got him. I got the bastard."

"We should have a party." Gaignun said thoughtfully as he stroked his chin.

"Yeah. Yeah – we should." Jr. jumped off the now destroyed bar counter. The universe was safe, and he had made peace with his inner demon.

Needless to say, he was feeling very, very pleased with himself.

* * *

( 07 – Epilogue) 

(1)

And Gaignun threw a party, and not just any party.

In honor of the universe being saved, Gaignun Kukai threw a costume ball, and just about everyone was invited. It had taken nearly a week to get everything together, and everyone on the Kukai foundation was buzzing with excitement as the date of the event drew closer.

But something was quite clearly bothering Jr. Now that all the danger was over, Momo had become something of a recluse, still feeling hurt by the fact that earlier, his alter-ego had called her a cow.

This strange anti-social behavior continued even on the night of the costume ball… it was supposed to be a celebration, but Jr. couldn't help but feel a little glum, sitting in his cowboy costume.

"Cheese?" KOS-MOS, dressed as a waiter, offered him a tray.

"I'm not hungry." Jr. said sulkily. He angled the brim of his cowboy hat downward so that no one could see his face. The android then offered the hours d' oeuvres to Orgulla, who shook her head.

"I'm vegan." She explained, looking very difficult to take seriously in her ballerina costume.

"Jr., what's wrong?" Shion, dressed as one of the Hell's Angels, sat down next to the sullen U.R.T.V.

"I dunno… well, actually… it's Momo. I think she's still mad at me."

"Oh, dear… KOS-MOS? Do you think we could get a round of drinks over here?" Shion asked. "KOS-MOS? Hell-ooo?"

Apparently, the android was too busy starting at the cyborg security guard to pay any attention. Ziggy caught KOS-MOS's eye when he stepped aside to allow Momo to enter.

She was wearing an angel costume, a small pair of feather wings at her back, and her face lightly smeared with glitter to emphasize the fact that she was an ethereal being.

Jr.'s didn't actually realize he had been staring at the poor girl who, rather than take his reaction as flattering, assumed he was making fun of her. Momo quickly ran out of the main room.

Jr. immediately got up to follow her, not realizing that KOS-MOS had been trying to give him some cheese. He knocked into the android, sending the platter to the floor with a clang. He managed to yell an apology over his shoulder as he ran.

KOS-MOS stared at the platter, and the scattered cheese on the ballroom floor.

"$#!." She said in a flat monotone, to no one in particular.

(2)

Meanwhile, Chaos and Shion were having a conversation about Chuck Norris.

"A Hell's angel, and…?" Gaignun Kukai rested his arm of the back of Shion's chair, directing his question at chaos. Gaignun was dressed in the attire commonly associated with a surfer bum. His palm-tree print shirt was unbuttoned, exposing his muscular chest. Chaos was the only one at the table who was drooling.

"He's one of the Village People." Shion answered for him, as Chaos was unable to speak.

"Mind if I join you?" Gaignun asked.

"Sure. We were just talking about Chuck Norris." Shion shrugged as the Kukai foundation's director sat down.

"Who's Chuck Norris?" He raised an eyebrow.

"You don't know?" Chaos was incredulous. "Well," He began, finding his voice at last. "Chuck Norris sold his soul to the devil for his rugged good looks and unparalleled martial arts ability. Shortly after the transaction was finalized, Chuck roundhouse kicked the devil in the face and took his soul back. The devil, who appreciates irony, couldn't stay mad and admitted he should have seen it coming. They now play poker every second Wednesday of the month."

"Shion!" Miyuki, dressed in a bumblebee outfit rushed up to the woman.

"Miyuki!" Shion stood up. And then they started kissing.

"Guys!" Jr. arrived, breathless. "Guys, I can't find Momo anywh- Oh God!" Jr. looked away from the young vector employees in love. "God!" He repeated just for emphasis, before walking away.

Chaos and Gaignun looked at each other.

(3)

"Ziggurat 8." KOS-MOS approached the cyborg. "Would you care for a refreshment?"

"No, thanks." Ziggy answered, then looked away. "Is there something else?" He asked when the android didn't leave.

"I appear to suffer from a sensory malfunction whenever I am in close proximity to you." KOS-MOS explained.

"Oh." Ziggy nodded, not really knowing what else to say. They stood by the entrance for a while, side by side in silence, watching the other dancers. And then, without drawing too much attention to himself, Ziggy took the android's hand, and she let him.

(4)

Jr. had weaved through the crowds, frantically looking for Momo, but he eventually gave up. He stormed into the Men's room, and threw a roll of toilet paper at the wall so hard it dented.

"WOAH!" someone said from an occupied stall. "Are you trying to kill someone?"

"Sorry, Allen." Jr. sighed and sat down in the empty stall next to him.

"You sound upset." Allen commented.

"Yeah, well Gaignun is making me go to anger management classes, which really pisses me off, and Momo's mad at me and I can't even find her…"

"Yeah. Relationships can be complicated. It's not like there are rules or anything. Love is a total anarchy – at any given moment, the woman you love could tell you that she's a lesbian and crush all your hopes and dreams."

"Yeah, well - anarchists are full of s!#. If they got their way and civilization as we know it crumbled, there would be total chaos with people running around and screaming in panic. You know what happens when people just run haphazardly like that? Scraped knees. No thanks." He paused thoughtfully. "Wait – what were we talking about?"

"I don't know. You know, my mom always had advice for situations like these." Allen said.

"Really? What did she say?" Jr. asked.

"When life hands you a bag of s!#, just set it on fire and leave it on life's doorstep."

Jr. thought about Allen's advice and got up.

"Hey! Where are you going?"

"I've gotta go talk to Momo." He explained.

"Oh. Well, before you go, can you hand me some toilet paper?"

(5)

Momo was looking dejected and feeling even worse as she sat on the outside back steps, away from the crowds, drowning her sorrows in an orange soda.

"Would you care for some cheese?" KOS-MOS asked.

"No thanks." Momo said politely. "I ate the blue ones… they tasted like burning."

"Due to your melancholy state, I felt I could best be of service by bringing someone to see you."

"Thanks, KOS-MOS… you didn't have to – Jr.? What are you doing here?"

"I've been trying to talk to you all night!" Jr. said, sitting down. "I was looking for you and then KOS-MOS just dragged me out here!"

"I will be excusing myself now." KOS-MOS left.

"But I thought you hated me! You said I was fat!" She took a deep breath. "Who do you turn to when the only one you can trust is the one who made you cry?" Momo asked sadly, not looking at him. Jr. felt incredibly guilty.

"My alter-ego made me say and do things I didn't mean. Like stealing Shion's phone – I don't really like phones because I can hear voices in them, too."

"Y-you mean… you don't really think I'm fat?"

"No. You're not fat." Jr. said. "And I'm sorry my alter ego told you such horrible things."

"It's okay. I guess it wasn't really your fault." Momo said thoughtfully. "So… are we okay?" she asked.

"Yeah." Jr. placed his hand over hers and looked up at the vast expanse of stars that was outer space. "I guess the moral to the story is… something about how you shouldn't doubt your inner strength even if there are voices in your head telling you to do things."

"Maybe." Momo shrugged, smiling at him. "Or maybe there isn't a point at all."

"What you said is better." Jr. agreed.


End file.
